Survivors of Suicide
by
Peggy Sweeney

Suicide is a very serious topic that we rarely discuss. Each year thousands of adults and children either attempt or complete suicide to resolve problems or put an end to emotional pain.

According to the American Association of Suicidolgy¹, statistics show that in 2005 approximately 32,650 people completed suicide. Suicide was the eleventh leading cause of adult deaths in the United States; homicide ranked 15th. Specifically, more Americans kill themselves than are killed by other people. Men completed suicide four times more often than women. An alarmingly high rate of suicide deaths was seen in teenagers—third leading cause of death for this age group. Approximately 816,000 suicide attempts are made annually.

I have classified the survivors of suicide into three categories. First, people who have seriously contemplated suicide but have not followed through with their plan. If truth were known, I believe many people have had fleeting thoughts of taking their own life. Difficult problems with no apparent solution appear easier to solve if life was over. However, after a few hours or days they are able to resolve these problems and reinvest in life and living once again. Their thoughts of suicide dissipate and life returns to normal.

Second, adults and children rescued before death following an attempted suicide. It has been my experience that one specific issue does not trigger genuine thoughts of suicide but rather a culmination of traumatic events or stressful situations. Left unresolved many people become overwhelmed by these events. All too often they believe suicide is the only answer. Their thoughts of suicide become more focused seemingly a ready answer for ending the deep emotional pain that has become their constant companion. They decide on a permanent solution for overcoming their fears or solving their problems. But in spite of their efforts to complete suicide someone stops them or calls 911 before it is too late. Rescuers have given them a second chance to rebuild their lives.

Lastly, adults and children struggling with the death of someone loved who has completed suicide. When someone dies it is always difficult for his or her family and friends to journey through grief. If their death, however, was due to suicide the trauma of their decision to end their life compounds the grieving process. The survivors must not only cope with grief but with the stigma that surrounds a death by suicide. This stigma began many centuries ago when the Catholic Church took a strong stand on the issue of suicide. Suicide was considered an unforgivable sin. The act of suicide went against the laws of God. Other churches agreed with this opinion and banned family members of suicide victims from participating in church functions. They were renounced and shunned by the people of the community. They were outcasts. Their church and the people whom they needed the most at this devastating time turned their backs on them.

Fortunately, our perceptions of suicide have changed over the years but many people still consider suicide a weakness. They condemn the victim for their actions and ignore the needs of the surviving family and friends. My personal opinion is that God is loving and forgiving. The family and friends (the survivors) need our love and support not our condemnation.

To help you understand the severity of emotional trauma I would like to paint a picture of what I have labeled the well of depression. It is a very deep, dark place; cold and lonely. The walls of this well are slimy and moss-covered. It smells putrid and the floor is broken and crumbled; you are not able to maintain a stable footing. You have overwhelming feelings of emotional as well as physical pain. As you look up from the depths of the well you can see a faint glimmer of light. No matter how hard you try you cannot pull yourself up and out of the well. Your silent screams for help appear to fall on deaf ears. Your once secure and normal life has suddenly plummeted into the depths of despair. You feel as though you have lost control of everything. You doubt your self-worth. Everything appears hopeless.

Many years ago I was down in that well of depression. I saw no ready answers for the problems I was facing. Many people would probably have viewed these difficulties as minor dilemmas; simple and easy to solve. At first, I was able to disguise my feelings. I appeared happy and coping with day to day activities. But as the days and weeks went by I sank deeper and deeper into depression. I became so depressed that I dissolved into bouts of uncontrollable crying and sobbing. I would spend hours curled up in a ball trying to figure out a way to solve my problems. I could barely handle the responsibilities of being a wife and mother. I could not think clearly. I could not rationalize any easy solutions to my problems. I felt no one cared about me. I questioned my self-worth and the value of my existence. My thoughts of death had a calming effect over me. I believed that death would solve my problems and bring peace to my life. I cared very much for my family but their love could not dispel the need I had to end the pain. I hated my life. All I wanted was to STOP the pain.

Human beings require certain basic needs such as food and water for survival. It is also important for survival to feel needed and appreciated; loved and valued. When our perceptions of life and living become skewed and there is no one to help us cope with depression we fall deeper and deeper into the well. It is during this difficult time that many people will compound their depression by using mind-altering drugs and/or alcohol (or other potentially addicting solutions such as chronic gambling or compulsive spending) as a means of coping with their emotional problems and their fears. These temporary remedies merely assist in numbing the pain but do nothing to resolve the reasons for the deep-seated problem of depression.

It is imperative that all of us become more sensitive to the needs of family members and friends. We must show more compassion, caring, and love. We must not judge people but rather provide support and offer positive suggestions to help them cope with their problems. If they had a physical illness—cancer or diabetes—we would not turn away from them. We should respond to emotional illness no differently. Do not be afraid to discuss suicide with them. If they admit to serious thoughts of suicide or a plan for ending their life take this as a red flag of warning. Please get them immediate help! Do not shrug it off as a passing remark but a cry for help. We must lead them from the depths of despair into the light of a new day. Everyone who has struggled with depression, has contemplated suicide, or has attempted suicide deserves a second chance at life. We can be their lifeline.

Two of the most difficult issues in coping with the grief of suicide are guilt and anger. Survivors constantly question why the person chose to take their own life. Was there something they themselves did that prompted this decision? Why didn’t the deceased ask for help before it was too late? Why didn’t the family or friends realize what was happening before it happened? The lives of the survivors become fragmented as they search for answers that never come. Even if they have a clue to why the death occurred, such as a suicide note, they still cannot understand what was so wrong in this person’s life that they chose death. It is an endless game of questions with no answers.

Survivors must come to grips with the fact that there may never be a definite answer. They must relinquish this quest and focus on healing their grief-stricken heart. In my opinion, most suicides happen as the result of an accumulation of events rather than one particular incident. Please bear in mind that your loved one did not commit suicide because of anything you did or did not do; said or did not say. They were in a place of very deep emotional pain and wanted to end that pain. In order to end that pain they believed that they had to take their own life. They did not do it to hurt you. They did it to end the pain.

Life is like an intricate puzzle. Each piece of the puzzle is fashioned in a unique way to create a complete picture. This puzzle takes a lifetime to finish. Every day another piece of the puzzle is shaped and designed to blend with the others. When someone we love dies, it is as if our puzzle is tossed in the air scattering the pieces everywhere. As we begin to rebuild our puzzle—our life—we realize a vital piece is missing. An empty spot in the border of the puzzle will always remind us of the person who died. We become frustrated and may lose interest in completing this puzzle. All of the pieces are not there. It seems as though our puzzle will reflect someone who is not complete. You are so wrong! Grief and the healing process provide the opportunity to redesign this puzzle. You must learn to fashion and blend other pieces to accommodate the missing puzzle piece. You must direct your focus on life, your family, and living in spite of your loss. You must learn to love and laugh and remember the happy times you shared with those who have died. You have a choice and your choice should be life and loving.

The reason I feel so strongly about suicide education and prevention is because at one time in my life I seriously contemplated suicide. I spent many days in that dark, lonely well. I had envisioned a detailed plan to take my own life. I know firsthand the depths of the emotional pain of depression and the physical toll that depression can have on a person’s body. I will always be indebted to my best friend, Gretchen, who reached out her hand to me and would not let go until I was strong enough to walk alone into the light of a new day.

I will never allow myself to go back to that well of depression. My memories of that time in my life and the struggles I endured enable me to help others today. Those of us who are stronger must always be ready and willing to help other people who struggle with depression and emotional pain. We must lend them our strength and be their ray of hope.

Recommended Reading

A suicidal person might be suicidal if he or she:

Here are some ways to be helpful to someone who is threatening suicide:

Copyright Peggy Sweeney. All rights reserved.

Previous Articles:
Take My Hand and Let Us Walk Together
Surviving the Holidays
Let Us Give Thanks
Grief 101

 About the Author: Peggy is a funeral director and bereavement educator with Grimes Funeral Chapels in Kerrville and formerly a firefighter and EMT-B. Since 1990, Peggy has developed and conducted numerous workshops that offer help to families and professionals coping with life-altering events. Her seminars address difficult topics such as grief, divorce, abuse, addiction, long-term illness, and the quality of life. A special program, Grieving Behind the Badge, deals with the emotional wellness of emergency response and public safety professionals. Peggy hosts monthly support groups for bereaved spouses as well as parents who have had a child or children die. If you would like additional information about these support groups, please contact Peggy at 830-257-4544 or through e-mail at peggy@grimesfuneralchapels.com.